I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
