Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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