well I can't set my house on fire every night
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
