i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
