I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
