some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
