Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
