meet me or not, i'm out of control
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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