I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
