The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
