awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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