Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
