Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
