Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
