I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
