hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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