weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize