you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
