I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize