I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
