The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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