So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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