I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
