____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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