So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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