Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
