I CAN MOONWALK!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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