8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
