Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
What drink are we having for lunch?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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