The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Come share oat with me in your robe
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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