I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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