is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
