so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
