He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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