Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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