not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
