how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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