I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
