My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
