I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
