True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize