good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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