is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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