i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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