Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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