Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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