the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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