just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
