Christians are straight up FREAKS
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize