She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
