vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
