i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
