I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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