I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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