if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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