No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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