He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
