these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
