I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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