sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
