I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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